A nice cup of coffee and a chat about dying
There are some things we just don’t talk about. In Australia dying and death remain two of them. However, get-togethers known as Death Cafes provide opportunities for the curious to meet like-minded people to discuss lots of questions and issues around the end of life.
Australians remain mostly unaware of the complexity of death and dying. This is what is known as "death literacy" a concept developed by researchers at Western Sydney University. It is defined as “the knowledge and skills that people need to make it possible to gain access to, understand, and make informed choices about end of life and death care options.”
In most cases, we first learn about death when we experience the passing of family, partners or friends, or when they themselves receive an end-of-life diagnosis. This means that we are unprepared to deal with the shock and grief involved.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Death Cafes let people gather in informal settings to talk about death over a coffee.
Sally Kennedy is the owner of Dearly Plaques and Memorials based in Ballarat, Victoria. She also often organises Death Cafes across the state.
These events, she says, are about “getting people together who would like to talk about their end of life”.
The gatherings are run by a facilitator, often a death doula who will guide the conversation and help clarify misunderstandings.
“Mostly it’s a morning tea at a café. The people who go are not experts – just ordinary members of the community. And they just talk about what they think their death is, or what their good death will be.
“Then someone will bring something up that the other person has never heard of before, like a wicker coffin or a natural burial, and the conversation will take off.”
In a Death Café, preconceptions can be gently challenged by encountering different perspectives.
Some might say they don’t want a funeral, and instead wish to be cremated and their ashes scattered. Others might counter by pointing out that this limits to opportunities for mourning for those left behind.
“I don’t think people’s thoughts change, but their minds broaden,” says Sally. “They may come in with an idea, but they leave with way more opportunity or way more ideas.”
So, who comes to a Death Café? People from all walks of life, is the simple answer.
“The people there are single, there’s couples, young people, older people,” says Sally.
“In one instance, someone brought their mum who was older and had dementia.”
We will, of course, all die, and encountering death unprepared can make the experience more confronting and distressing than perhaps it needs to be.
Sally Kennedy laments the fact that there is no formal education about death in Australia.
In its absence, Death Cafés offer a unique opportunity to increase our death literacy, to give people an opportunity to talk, explore and give ourselves some tools to plan for the deaths of those we love and ourselves.
“You plan your wedding; you buy magazines and dresses and all that kind of stuff,” she says.
“You plan for births, you plan the significant events in your life, but there’s only a few people that are willing to look into planning the end of their life.”
Death Cafes can be found online in your local area. There are also Facebook groups that will help you to find them.
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